No Wilmer-Hutchins story in today’s paper. To commemorate this unusual event, I share a tale of fast food.

Three times in the last month or so, I’ve worked late and skipped dinner. Each time, I’ve woken up the next morning hungry and in a rush. So, against the medical advice of generations of physicians, I’ve stopped at a McDonald’s downtown.

Three times I have stopped at this McDonald’s for a quickie breakfast. Three times they have screwed up my order.

My order is not complex. Each time I have requested a bacon, egg and cheese bagel and a water. Nothing outrageous there; it’s on the frickin’ menu. For my three attempts, I have received:

- A bagel with a slice of cheese on it, an unordered hash brown, and water.
- A plain bagel, a single slice of bacon loose in the bag, and water.
- (Today) A bagel with roughly one quarter pound of bacon and an unexplained cup of coffee.

Is there a global egg shortage I’m unaware of? I was under the impression that the ingredients list of my order was fairly direct: a bacon, egg and cheese bagel consists of bacon, eggs, cheese, and a bagel.

I keep waiting for new variations. Perhaps next time the bag will include an egg, but it will be soft boiled. Or instead of cheese, I’ll get some old milk in a leather pouch, along with instructions on the curd-making process. Or maybe they’ll just hand me an ovulating chicken. Perhaps the bagel will be magically transformed into a donut. Or a rubber tire. Or a baby marmoset.

09 September 2004

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